A Little Vulnerability

Little did I know when we crafted the Write 6x6 prompts that, during the week where we would
explore how we talk about current events, America would be struggling, once again, with grief and
anger after the 129th school shooting of 2023.

As I write this, my fifth grader is across town taking the state science test, and my high schooler
is conjugating verbs in French class. They are engaged in tasks that they probably won’t
remember–moments experienced by a million kids before them, nothing that should cause me
any worry. However, every time there is (yet another) school shooting, I spend suffocating under
the weight of anxiety and sadness until I can gather them home again.

Though it is statistically unlikely that one of my kids would be involved in a school shooting, gun violence
is now the number one cause of death in America for children ages 1 to 18. This is an important issue,
and one I know my kids and I should be talking about, but I am ashamed to say that I feel
unequipped to talk about it. Do I bring it up? Do I wait for an invitation to talk about it? Is there
a “right” thing to say or a way to help them make sense of the tragedy? How strong should I appear
when inside I am sad and angry?

It feels like there are more ways to mess it up than there are to get it “right.” My heart tells me that the best approach is to be honest and open. I know that I don’t have to have the answers, because what answers are there in the face of such senseless terror and loss?

I wrestle with similar feelings of inadequacy when I consider discussing current events in my
classroom. Though we have student-led discussion circles every other week, I do not purposefully
set aside time for discussing current events. When they arise organically, I make space for the
conversation. I try to rise to the occasion, again, with honesty, openness, and a little vulnerability.
I know I am doing my students no service by going on with business as usual when the world outside
our classroom door has been pitched into chaos. Everything from incidents of police violence to the
price of gas impacts their lives, and learning doesn’t occur in a vacuum.

Write 6x6 offers such a unique space for us to share with and learn from each other, and so I
am hopeful I might gather a few bits of wisdom or tools for my toolkit from the posts of others this week.
In the meantime, I prepare to fumble my way through a hard conversation with my own kids this evening.
I cannot tell them that everything will be okay, but we can sit together in our not-knowing.

Don't Stop Believin'

Don't stop believin'

Hold on to that feeling

In the spring of 2001, with years of internships and the trial-by-fire that is student teaching behind me, I had my first-ever paying gig teaching lit and comp at a nearby high school. The job didn’t pay enough for me to move out of my childhood bedroom, and instead of my own classroom, I was given an AV cart and a forgotten corner of a teacher workroom to call my own. Because I was hired to fill the shoes of a teacher who quit with little warning, I’d had next to no time to plan out my semester. Every day, I showed up, foundered convincingly, and counted the days til summer break with one shining jewel of a thought in mind: “I know next semester will be better.”

I’ve taught in some sort of classroom every semester since that first one, and every semester, I’ve clung to the belief that “oh yes, next semester is gonna be better.”

Photo by Apelcini 

In 2001, “better” meant I knew I’d trade that clunky cart for a room of my own, and I’d have time to plan out my curriculum over the summer. Over the years, “better” took on a more nuanced meaning. As the semester’s end was in sight, I’d begin to think about how I’d tweak a writing assignment, teach a new novel, or try a new project when the new semester dawned.  Now that I have set down roots at GCC, “next semester will be better” has meant pivoting to OER, building new course shells, and finding new ways to make writing relevant to my studens. Next semester, I am trying out a Learning Community with one of my colleagues, and it’s gonna be awesome. 

In no other career than teaching does one have so much creative freedom paired with periods of time where the “doing” stops and gives way to time to think, marinate, and plan. Every semester, we run full steam ahead at the hard stop that is the date that grades are due, then we slow down, we rest, and we plan with feelings of excitement for the semester to come. 

This rhythm of teaching–the deep well of creativity and the jolts of excitement–are my favorite thing about this career that I chose before I even knew anything about work or being an adult. In 22 years of teaching, I’ve never stopped believing that next semester will be better. That feeling of excitement and promise always arises in me as one semester draws to a close and I see the next waiting on the horizon.